the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
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