i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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