the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
