Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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