I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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