i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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