Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
