arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
