That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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