Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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