Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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