Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
