Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
