I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Panties = found
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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