I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize