Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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