What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Define "chronic" masturbator.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
