The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
