Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i dont even know how to be here
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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