I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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