I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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