I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
