We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
