I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
