I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
