Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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