i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
