I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
