I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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