I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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