I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
