A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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