I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
