i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
