i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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