When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
