I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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