I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
