sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
