thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
