somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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