I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
