you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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