Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
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I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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