You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Randomize
