he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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