he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
