Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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