I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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