The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
