It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
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How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
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hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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