The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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