I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
