found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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