i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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