The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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